Television: The Americans Have Nothing on These Guys

The reason I have decided to write this post about television is because it is something near and dear to me, as well as the fact that it was all Colleen and I had to do in our first few days here before we started teaching. They gave us four days off before we had to start training and while we wandered on our various errands during the day, the nights were filled with the endless miasma of Japanese television. Every once in a while we will catch an American movie, which is subtitled in Japanese and not dubbed, as they prefer to read their movies here. (I can only glean this from the fact that even some of their own shows are subtitled, or that we were watching Korean soap operas and just can't tell the difference yet). However they are rarely good movies (ie. Moon 44, The One, The Watcher, Under siege).

Perhaps it is because I don't understand Japanese or the fact that we just have the basic twelve channels here, but there seems to very little predictability at all as far as what to expect on each channel, except that channel one is all Shopping Network all the time, and there is nothing that they don't sell. The other channels play a variety of shows, some of which I understand the concept (like "group of random local comics making random audience members laugh", or "giant celebrity/celebrity sound-alike karaoke/gameshow contest where losers are doused with water or flour"), however these shows appear to be one time specials and then are never seen again. The one show we now know is Monkey Host Quiz Show. I'm sure that's not what the actual title is, but every Monday night at midnight there is this wordplay quizshow with Japanese celebrities (we can only assume their celebrity status as these people seem to appear on every show and on every channel). The strange thing about this show is not the clever wordplay combining Japanese symbols and the uses of their sounds and sometimes different meanings as English words, but the fact that the two hosts of the show are dressed in full costume and make-up to look like Planet of the Apes monkeys ( the blonde ones). WHY?!? There are also a huge amount of panel shows, where there will be one or two hosts and about ten people (see local celebrities) who's only job is to throw in humorous bits of dialogue between video, guest, or insane stunt segments. The following is a list of things I have seen on such shows:

-hosts in all too revealing spandex sitting in chairs with huge steel pans suspended over their heads and a couple dozen ropes in front of them while they take turns passing a pair of hedgeclippers to each other and cutting random ropes until one of them is left unbraindamaged.

-hosts watching as one of their apartments is invaded by a sumo sized man who proceeds to order a couple of pizzas, squeeze his enormous naked frame (too much ass!) into said hosts tiny little bath tub, eat said pizzas on the hosts bed and then ride around town (with clothes on) on the hosts tiny little motor scooter.

-contestants doing some kind of humiliating game/stunt at a swimming pool and then the losers being subjected to the shows "mascot?" (an overweight Japanese man with a mullet who is only ever seen wearing a black belly shirt and speedos) putting them on their hands and knees in the shower room, dumping soapy water all over them and then spinning his speedo clad body across them.(too much ass!)

-a doubles ping-pong match in which each teams inflatable outfits are filled with air each time they lose a point, until at the end both teams are still trying to play, looking like giant paddle wielding balloons. This however ended when ones teams outfits exploded on their bodies.

and the one that had me screaming for so many reasons (laughter, disgust, laughing disgust)

-two hosts in a pre-filmed wrestling segment. Camera cuts to gym where they are squared off against each other. Camera pans out to reveal both hosts are completely naked. Their junk being covered by a digitally added picture of their own faces. The bell rings and they go to it, grappling, pinning, holds, throws, man parts being jammed against ears, until they finally collapse on the floor exhausted and wretching as they realize what had so recently had been resting on their foreheads. (have I mentioned too much ass!)

I'm just glad they don't do segments like that on The View. There are many more things I could mention about the myriad of programs and American celebrities doing commercials here, but really I think I've said enough for now. Occasionally I will throw in more TV tidbits in future posts.

Anyhow, as well as posting this new story I will also leave you with another written after our second day here.

Thursday March 17

Today we tried to find the Joutou Ward office so we could be registered as aliens. I've been treated as an alien back home before, but I've never actually been one until now. We looked at the map and decided it looked close enough that we could walk it. It would have been too if it hadn't been raining (first purchase: umbrellas), and if I hadn't decided to follow the city map to the Ward Office which was about eight blocks from where the Nova map said it was, but when you have three different maps, only one has north at the top and they are all different scale, you kind of have to improvise. Here's something else that's fun, have you ever went into a store or gas station to ask for directions? Awesome. Have you ever done it when you didn't understand the language they gave the directions in? Fun. I learned very quickly "joutou kuyakusha wa dokodesuka?" ("where is the Joutou Ward Office?"). However the instructions I got always ended up being a hastily scrawled map with landmarks I didn't know, or a game of charades in which the only clue I had was direction. Once we eventually found it we realized that, had we taken just one road instead of 27 we would have shaved an hour off of our time.

It was after that we decided to try grocery shopping, which we also hadn't thought we be as difficult. Not as many pictures on the bottles a jars as we had hoped, however we nailed the fresh meat and produce. Some of it is a lot pricier than back home, but by no means all of it. After getting food and a few basic household items we decided it was time once again to retreat for the confines of home. The highlight of the day was definitely the phone cards Nova had supplied us with to phone home.



Until later, make mine Marvel. Carl

P.S. The crows in Japan don't sound the same as back home. They sound like old men being strangled and punched in the stomach, while they laugh at you.